What I Am Thankful For

When you get pregnant, you start picturing how your life is going to go. Once you found out what you were having, the name was decided on, the nursery pattern was picked out and supplies started being purchased. You pictured bikes in the front yard, sleepovers and birthday parties.

Then the big day comes and the child arrives. Flowers are delivered, packages received, bottles sterilized and long sleepless nights. But something is not quite right. You keep your opinion to yourself because you have never been a parent before and clearly you don’t know what you are doing. But time goes by and others start mentioning things here and there and you decide that you better have her evaluated.

The weeks leading up to the evaluation are filled with thoughts that you don’t dare say out loud. A bunch of what ifs and you are convinced that you are going to die right there on the spot should they tell you that something is wrong. Finally the day comes and they confirm that yes something is wrong. It takes your breath away. You make eye contact with your spouse as if to say you are sorry because it surely must have been something you did or didn’t do to cause this.

But you don’t die.

You are told to go see another doctor and the weeks leading up to that appointment are filled with research, research, research. You engross yourself in it and you neglect your spouse because it consumes all of who you are. Every time the child does something, even though it could be completely normal, you look it up. She sneezed twice, it could be a cold or allergies or a tumor! Your family members send you articles of what they think it could be and inside your stomach does flips. You dream about it. It consumes you.

You arrive at the children’s hospital and sit in the waiting room. You are surrounded by parents who are there to see if their child is going to make it to their next birthday and you thank God right then and there that you are not dealing with anything terminal. You take the hand of your spouse and point out that we don’t have it so bad. Your spouse looks back at you and whispers “I’ve been trying to tell you that all along.” You see the doctor and they tell you it is autism and there really isn’t anything they can do and there isn’t a cure and medicine isn’t really going to help and have a nice day.

You walk away from that appointment with a myriad of feelings. Thankful, hurt, angry, sad. Then determination kicks in and you decide that no doctor is going to tell you that there really isn’t anything you can do. You will do whatever it takes to turn this around the best that you can. You owe her that. Giving up is not an option.

So over the years you take two steps forward and three steps back in progress. You lose friends who can’t deal. You realize that family members don’t really want to know, they just ask to be polite, and some family members are convinced they know what is best. You have had complete strangers come up to you and criticize your parenting. All the while, life goes on. You try to stay connected with your spouse in an adult world, but, sometimes, you are so preoccupied, that it affects all other aspects of your life. You learn when to fight, when to back down and when you have to be a flat out bitch to get what is best for your child. You come to terms with the fact that there will be no party invites, sleepovers and the phone ringing off of the hook asking to speak with your kid.

Then….

Little by little a friend is made, an invite comes and the phone occasionally rings.

And you realize that all of your hopes and dreams didn’t go down the drain. They just changed – and that is okay.

Because you know what, it is not terminal. There are families out there that have it way worse than you.

And you thank God every day for the life and the spouse and the child that you have.

Because the spouse and the child are truly a blessing.

And that is what I am Thankful for this year!

Happy Thanksgiving.