I don’t hate a lot of things.
I don’t particularly even use the word hate.
But lately, I HATE autism.
I hate everything that goes along with it.
But I think what I hate the most is the not knowing. Trying to figure out is she acting out because her meds are off or is it because of something else is killing me. And it doesn’t help that she is internalizes everything. She won’t tell us anything.
And maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now and
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
Someday
There are people who are in our lives that are convinced that she just needs a good spanking or to stay with them for a week and they will straighten her out.
There are people in our lives who think we are way too strict and think we need to just let her be.
There are always going to be people that think they know best. I challenge those people to come walk one week in our shoes. They can deal with doctor appointments, calls from the school, tracking of medicine all on top of normal every day stuff. Come on! Scott and I could use a break!
Ahhh…maybe people don’t know better than us. Because they haven’t talked to all the doctors and haven’t done hours and hours of research and haven’t beat their head against the wall trying to find a solution only to take two steps forward and three steps back.
Today I hate autism and everything about it. But tomorrow is a new day and I will get up and start the process all over again because she is my daughter and I love her.
And because SOMEDAY it will be easier on her.
Cause maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
We'll put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to just feel better now and
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
Someday
Here is to SOMEDAY!!!
Friday, January 29, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Just Be Still
So I have this friend. No, dad, I am not going to tell you her name. I am sure she doesn’t want this posted with her name all over.
So I have a friend who was raised in a strict home. Not a mean home, a strict home. There were rules that she had to follow, and if she didn’t, she would be punished. The older she got, the punishments changed. They didn’t get worse, they changed.
All growing up she had a strong faith. She went to church. She knew the songs. Her heart belonged to Jesus. She thought it would always belong to Jesus.
Then life happened.
She grew up and got married. Babies were born. She moved to other states to follow her husband’s career. And somewhere along the way, her heart no longer belonged to Jesus. It belonged to everything and everyone else. There wasn’t time for her heart to belong to Jesus. There were bills to pay, meals to be made, run one kid to practice and the other to dance lessons and a husband who needed some attention too.
But if you asked her at any time, she would tell you she still had a strong faith and that she missed going to church. When you asked her if her kids wanted to go to church, she just kind of shrugged.
Then one day she looked around and her kids were older and off doing their own things. So she decided she would go to church one Sunday.
How long had she been gone? Church was totally different now. People showed up in jeans and there was a band with drums. Since when do drums belong in a church?
But the service had started and she didn’t want to just leave, so she stayed and observed.
People were enjoying themselves. Imagine that! Kids and adults alike were into the service. She looked up at the screen to see the words to the songs they were singing. One was a traditional hymn, but with a different beat and another was a song with words that moved her to tears.
As she stood there and observed she realized she was mad. She was mad at God. But you can’t be mad at God, can you? And what was she mad about?
She went home and tried not to think about church and what she felt, but try as she might, she couldn’t get the feeling to go away.
She finally realized that she was mad at God for letting her get to a place where she no longer felt drawn to him. That church wasn’t that important anymore. That life worked just fine, thank you.
But she also realized a feeling that she missed. She tells me that she can’t put it into words how she felt, but it was a familiar feeling.
When the road gets crazy
And tries to break me
And I've had all I can stand
I can close my eyes no matter where I am
And just be still
There's a place I need to go
Where stained glass windows glow
Every part of me is known
Thank God I can go there
Thank God I can go there
Still
I know, like her, that life gets crazy and we all are struggling to fit everything in. But just think how maybe, just maybe, the struggle would be less if we would just be still.
So I have a friend who was raised in a strict home. Not a mean home, a strict home. There were rules that she had to follow, and if she didn’t, she would be punished. The older she got, the punishments changed. They didn’t get worse, they changed.
All growing up she had a strong faith. She went to church. She knew the songs. Her heart belonged to Jesus. She thought it would always belong to Jesus.
Then life happened.
She grew up and got married. Babies were born. She moved to other states to follow her husband’s career. And somewhere along the way, her heart no longer belonged to Jesus. It belonged to everything and everyone else. There wasn’t time for her heart to belong to Jesus. There were bills to pay, meals to be made, run one kid to practice and the other to dance lessons and a husband who needed some attention too.
But if you asked her at any time, she would tell you she still had a strong faith and that she missed going to church. When you asked her if her kids wanted to go to church, she just kind of shrugged.
Then one day she looked around and her kids were older and off doing their own things. So she decided she would go to church one Sunday.
How long had she been gone? Church was totally different now. People showed up in jeans and there was a band with drums. Since when do drums belong in a church?
But the service had started and she didn’t want to just leave, so she stayed and observed.
People were enjoying themselves. Imagine that! Kids and adults alike were into the service. She looked up at the screen to see the words to the songs they were singing. One was a traditional hymn, but with a different beat and another was a song with words that moved her to tears.
As she stood there and observed she realized she was mad. She was mad at God. But you can’t be mad at God, can you? And what was she mad about?
She went home and tried not to think about church and what she felt, but try as she might, she couldn’t get the feeling to go away.
She finally realized that she was mad at God for letting her get to a place where she no longer felt drawn to him. That church wasn’t that important anymore. That life worked just fine, thank you.
But she also realized a feeling that she missed. She tells me that she can’t put it into words how she felt, but it was a familiar feeling.
When the road gets crazy
And tries to break me
And I've had all I can stand
I can close my eyes no matter where I am
And just be still
There's a place I need to go
Where stained glass windows glow
Every part of me is known
Thank God I can go there
Thank God I can go there
Still
I know, like her, that life gets crazy and we all are struggling to fit everything in. But just think how maybe, just maybe, the struggle would be less if we would just be still.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Oh Brother!
So, as all of you know, I have an older brother.
He is funny and he is smart and he is rude and drives me nuts. Our relationship is the type that we would be there for each other in a heartbeat, but the day to day stuff chat one a week visit each other on a regular basis will never happen. I am not being mean…that is just the facts.
A couple of weeks ago he called me to tell me that he was in the process of planning a surprise 40th birthday party for his wife, Kim. He asked if we could come. My family couldn’t come, but I could. So last Friday, I drove the 7 hours to his house.
Now, let me tell you, this wasn’t your typical surprise party. Nope. Jeff isn’t typical. He threw her an Amazing Race themed party complete with clues and travel.
She was in California on business and met up with my mom and dad for dinner and a play. My mom and dad gave her the first clue. When she arrived back home in Florida, her friends from South Carolina gave her the next two clues. Jeff gave her the 4th and 5th clue. Her best friend from Arkansas flew in to give her the next clue. Another good friend, that I can’t remember her state, flew into her give her the next clue. Her parents drove in from Tennessee to give her a clue. I came from Georgia to give her a clue. Friends from Tennessee flew in as part of clue. Jeff made sure that everyone who came in from out of town were the people to give her the clues. The last clue took her to a park where something like 55 additional people were waiting for her. Jeff pulled up on the grass and the two of them ran to the “finish line”, where Jeff announced that after almost 20 years of marriage and 3 kids “KIM FINALLY TURNED 40!”
That woman was a mess that day. A good mess. She cried all sorts of happy tears that day.
Then afterwards, a bunch of us went to dinner and back to their house and played cards. It was a perfect day and Jeff planned it all.
The next day I went to church with them. This is only the 2nd time this church has had a service. We were there early and I was sitting out in the lobby. I couldn’t see Jeff, but I could hear him. He was talking to the team of greeters telling them what they needed to do.
This is the Jeff that I forget about.
With me, I get one and two word answers. With them he was wonderful. Which makes sense, right? With family you sometimes get what is left.
But I was happy to remember that he is really good at what he does. He is well respected. He is well liked. He is really funny.
And I am really proud of him.
And if all I get is what is left, that is okay with me because he sure does give to a lot of others who need it way more than me!
He is funny and he is smart and he is rude and drives me nuts. Our relationship is the type that we would be there for each other in a heartbeat, but the day to day stuff chat one a week visit each other on a regular basis will never happen. I am not being mean…that is just the facts.
A couple of weeks ago he called me to tell me that he was in the process of planning a surprise 40th birthday party for his wife, Kim. He asked if we could come. My family couldn’t come, but I could. So last Friday, I drove the 7 hours to his house.
Now, let me tell you, this wasn’t your typical surprise party. Nope. Jeff isn’t typical. He threw her an Amazing Race themed party complete with clues and travel.
She was in California on business and met up with my mom and dad for dinner and a play. My mom and dad gave her the first clue. When she arrived back home in Florida, her friends from South Carolina gave her the next two clues. Jeff gave her the 4th and 5th clue. Her best friend from Arkansas flew in to give her the next clue. Another good friend, that I can’t remember her state, flew into her give her the next clue. Her parents drove in from Tennessee to give her a clue. I came from Georgia to give her a clue. Friends from Tennessee flew in as part of clue. Jeff made sure that everyone who came in from out of town were the people to give her the clues. The last clue took her to a park where something like 55 additional people were waiting for her. Jeff pulled up on the grass and the two of them ran to the “finish line”, where Jeff announced that after almost 20 years of marriage and 3 kids “KIM FINALLY TURNED 40!”
That woman was a mess that day. A good mess. She cried all sorts of happy tears that day.
Then afterwards, a bunch of us went to dinner and back to their house and played cards. It was a perfect day and Jeff planned it all.
The next day I went to church with them. This is only the 2nd time this church has had a service. We were there early and I was sitting out in the lobby. I couldn’t see Jeff, but I could hear him. He was talking to the team of greeters telling them what they needed to do.
This is the Jeff that I forget about.
With me, I get one and two word answers. With them he was wonderful. Which makes sense, right? With family you sometimes get what is left.
But I was happy to remember that he is really good at what he does. He is well respected. He is well liked. He is really funny.
And I am really proud of him.
And if all I get is what is left, that is okay with me because he sure does give to a lot of others who need it way more than me!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
What's In A Name
When I met my husband, he was in the Navy. I had just come out of a relationship and he was getting ready to leave for another duty station. We were not going to fall in love. We were just gonna date. Clearly, I could not fall in love with a Navy man – they wear bell bottoms – ewww!
But, fell in love we did - bell bottoms and all.
When it came time to get married he said to me something to the effect that he wanted to take my last name. We would have been Mr. & Mrs. Graves. But I was young and told him that his name was fine and I would take his.
By the way, his last name was YAUCH (pronounced yowk).
It wasn’t long after we got married that I understood. If I dropped of film to be developed, (this was before digital cameras) it was always under the W’s. Mail would come to Melissa Yanch. Most people would pronounce it as yuck.
12 Years into our marriage, Scott came to me and said, he wanted to legally change our last name. So I researched how to do it and started the process. But, we had to decide on a name and it had to be one that all three of us agreed on.
And so it began.
I told Scott that we didn’t have any guts if we didn’t change it to Smith. Then I thought we should put it up to the highest bidder on E-Bay. But Scott was afraid we would have to change our name to something like poop.
My mom wanted us to take something from her side of the family.
Courtney wanted to change her first name too, but we told her that was not an option.
Scott was thinking Pearson. I was not thinking Pearson.
So we sat and went over all of the last names of this family and decided to take his mother’s maiden name of Coleman. We stayed with his side of the family, but it was a name that John Q. Public could pronounce.
When we went before the judge, he asked us why we wanted to change our name. Scott looked him dead in the eye and said “Dude, it is Yauch. Coleman is much easier.”
So for $60.00 per person, we are now the Colemans.
And that is why you see so many names when you look me up on Facebook. I am not divorced. I am not in the witness protection program. I am just something that is now pronounceable.
But, fell in love we did - bell bottoms and all.
When it came time to get married he said to me something to the effect that he wanted to take my last name. We would have been Mr. & Mrs. Graves. But I was young and told him that his name was fine and I would take his.
By the way, his last name was YAUCH (pronounced yowk).
It wasn’t long after we got married that I understood. If I dropped of film to be developed, (this was before digital cameras) it was always under the W’s. Mail would come to Melissa Yanch. Most people would pronounce it as yuck.
12 Years into our marriage, Scott came to me and said, he wanted to legally change our last name. So I researched how to do it and started the process. But, we had to decide on a name and it had to be one that all three of us agreed on.
And so it began.
I told Scott that we didn’t have any guts if we didn’t change it to Smith. Then I thought we should put it up to the highest bidder on E-Bay. But Scott was afraid we would have to change our name to something like poop.
My mom wanted us to take something from her side of the family.
Courtney wanted to change her first name too, but we told her that was not an option.
Scott was thinking Pearson. I was not thinking Pearson.
So we sat and went over all of the last names of this family and decided to take his mother’s maiden name of Coleman. We stayed with his side of the family, but it was a name that John Q. Public could pronounce.
When we went before the judge, he asked us why we wanted to change our name. Scott looked him dead in the eye and said “Dude, it is Yauch. Coleman is much easier.”
So for $60.00 per person, we are now the Colemans.
And that is why you see so many names when you look me up on Facebook. I am not divorced. I am not in the witness protection program. I am just something that is now pronounceable.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
High Heeled Boots, Ice and a Stranger
It was several years ago. I was driving home from work. I was approaching my exit when I saw a young man walking on the freeway with a gas can. I remember seeing his car on the side of the road. He was out of gas smack dab between exits and not close to either one at all. I watched him in my review mirror. I remember saying out loud to myself, if he is at my car before the light turns green for me to turn to head home, I would ask him if needs help. I was letting the light determine the fate of what I would do.
The light was still red.
I rolled down my window and asked him if he needed a ride to the gas station. He jumped in and said he was on his way to his sister's soccer banquet and thought he could make it. His mom was going to kill him if he wasn't there. So, I took him to the gas station and got back on the freeway to take him to his car. He was so thankful and appreciative. I knew I did the right thing.
I got home and told my husband and he was none to happy with me at all. He could have been an axe murderer for crying out loud! Obviously he wasn't as I was standing right there in front of him.
So I called my mom for a little back up. She agreed with Scott that it wasn't the wisest decision I made. It could have been unsafe.
Here I was wanting accolades, and was getting grief!
Last Friday Georgia shut down because of snow and ice. I still went ahead and went into the office. I do not have a lap top and cannot work from home and had quite a bit of work to do. I was actually doing quite well. I was driving all careful and everything. My hands were at 10 and 2 like the driver's manual says. Safety was my middle name.
I was really close to work. Really. Close.
I has just crossed over an icy patch and was approaching a hill of ice. I had no reason to think that I wouldn't be able to make it up the hill. I had crossed over everything else. There were people behind me going to attempt the same thing.
My car had other ideas.
It could not grip the ice to get up the hill. I was stuck. People behind me turned around and went the other direction. People who had 4 wheel drive, just passed me. Did I mention I WAS STUCK?
I try to call Scott thinking that he could give me some words of wisdom to get me up that hill, but he didn't answer because he was in the shower. I tried calling work but they didn't have any suggestions.
I am a California girl. I don't know how to drive in anything but sunshine, much less, ice.
So, I decide I am going to back up.
Now, all of you should know that I can't back up on a good day. I can't. Hell, I have trouble getting my car between the two white lines of the parking spaces at the office and get made fun of on a regular basis.
But back up is what I decided to do.
And then the car started sliding all sideways like. AND SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME. Scott would kill me if I wrecked the car. He had wanted me to stay home anyhow.
So there I am panicked on the middle of an icy hill.
The by the grace of GOD and nice man walked up the hill to my car and said he could help me. I tried to explain that I was from Cali and we like don't get like ice there and I could totally use some like help, fer sure!
I get out of the car wearing these darling heeled boots and he takes one look at me, shakes his head and says - "Oh, honey, you are from California, aren't you!"
When he gets in the car, he looks at me and says - "You are going to think that I don't have control of the car, but I do." He then proceeds to slide my down the hill. The back end got all sorts of wiggy and I knew we were gonna die.
But control he did have and got me turned around and headed in a better direction.
I thanked him over and over. Actually, I did everything but kiss him.
I am sure I was the talk at his dinner table that night.
And I tell you all of this because we should really treat people the way we want to be treated.
And if they happen to be axe murderers......well, I don't know what to tell you about that!
The light was still red.
I rolled down my window and asked him if he needed a ride to the gas station. He jumped in and said he was on his way to his sister's soccer banquet and thought he could make it. His mom was going to kill him if he wasn't there. So, I took him to the gas station and got back on the freeway to take him to his car. He was so thankful and appreciative. I knew I did the right thing.
I got home and told my husband and he was none to happy with me at all. He could have been an axe murderer for crying out loud! Obviously he wasn't as I was standing right there in front of him.
So I called my mom for a little back up. She agreed with Scott that it wasn't the wisest decision I made. It could have been unsafe.
Here I was wanting accolades, and was getting grief!
Last Friday Georgia shut down because of snow and ice. I still went ahead and went into the office. I do not have a lap top and cannot work from home and had quite a bit of work to do. I was actually doing quite well. I was driving all careful and everything. My hands were at 10 and 2 like the driver's manual says. Safety was my middle name.
I was really close to work. Really. Close.
I has just crossed over an icy patch and was approaching a hill of ice. I had no reason to think that I wouldn't be able to make it up the hill. I had crossed over everything else. There were people behind me going to attempt the same thing.
My car had other ideas.
It could not grip the ice to get up the hill. I was stuck. People behind me turned around and went the other direction. People who had 4 wheel drive, just passed me. Did I mention I WAS STUCK?
I try to call Scott thinking that he could give me some words of wisdom to get me up that hill, but he didn't answer because he was in the shower. I tried calling work but they didn't have any suggestions.
I am a California girl. I don't know how to drive in anything but sunshine, much less, ice.
So, I decide I am going to back up.
Now, all of you should know that I can't back up on a good day. I can't. Hell, I have trouble getting my car between the two white lines of the parking spaces at the office and get made fun of on a regular basis.
But back up is what I decided to do.
And then the car started sliding all sideways like. AND SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME. Scott would kill me if I wrecked the car. He had wanted me to stay home anyhow.
So there I am panicked on the middle of an icy hill.
The by the grace of GOD and nice man walked up the hill to my car and said he could help me. I tried to explain that I was from Cali and we like don't get like ice there and I could totally use some like help, fer sure!
I get out of the car wearing these darling heeled boots and he takes one look at me, shakes his head and says - "Oh, honey, you are from California, aren't you!"
When he gets in the car, he looks at me and says - "You are going to think that I don't have control of the car, but I do." He then proceeds to slide my down the hill. The back end got all sorts of wiggy and I knew we were gonna die.
But control he did have and got me turned around and headed in a better direction.
I thanked him over and over. Actually, I did everything but kiss him.
I am sure I was the talk at his dinner table that night.
And I tell you all of this because we should really treat people the way we want to be treated.
And if they happen to be axe murderers......well, I don't know what to tell you about that!
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Snow Day
As most of you know, I was born and raised in California. We didn't get snow days there. The most we did was earthquake drills. That's it.
Courtney was in 2nd grade. There was a threat of snow overnight that didn't happen. When I woke up that morning, I looked out the window and saw that there was no snow and had Court get ready for school and I got ready for work.
When I arrived at the school there were cars in the parking lot and I pulled up, dropped Court off and went to work like any other normal day.
When I got to work, my boss says to me what did you do with Courtney today? I looked at her like she was smoking dope, and told her that I dropped her off at school. She looked at me and told me that school was closed today. I asked her why and she explained that it was a snow day EVEN THOUGH THERE WAS NO SNOW!
Paniced, I called the school and they had her in the office and were laughing at me. Scott went and picked her up and all was fine.
That was the year that I DIDN'T WIN the mother of the year award.
But I still need someone to explain to me WHY school would be closed if IT DIDN'T SNOW!!!!????!!!!
Courtney was in 2nd grade. There was a threat of snow overnight that didn't happen. When I woke up that morning, I looked out the window and saw that there was no snow and had Court get ready for school and I got ready for work.
When I arrived at the school there were cars in the parking lot and I pulled up, dropped Court off and went to work like any other normal day.
When I got to work, my boss says to me what did you do with Courtney today? I looked at her like she was smoking dope, and told her that I dropped her off at school. She looked at me and told me that school was closed today. I asked her why and she explained that it was a snow day EVEN THOUGH THERE WAS NO SNOW!
Paniced, I called the school and they had her in the office and were laughing at me. Scott went and picked her up and all was fine.
That was the year that I DIDN'T WIN the mother of the year award.
But I still need someone to explain to me WHY school would be closed if IT DIDN'T SNOW!!!!????!!!!
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Already Gone
The last time I saw him, we packed up my things
And he smiled like the first time he told me his name
And we cried with each other
We split the blame for the parts that we couldn't change
Pictures, dishes and socks
It's our whole life down to one box
There he was waving goodbye on the front porch alone
But I was already gone
So we were out shopping this past weekend, spending the gift cards we received for Christmas, when we ran into a friend and her kids. We have known them for a while. We did Girl Scouts together. Not the best of friends, but friends nonetheless. I think it was Scott who asked, where her husband was hiding. That is when the uncomfortable look on her face came and she had to tell us that they were getting a divorce.
If one more of my friends announces this again I might just flip out. This is number three since summer.
For each of these friends, there are different reasons. Valid reasons. Sad reasons. And each of these friends are mourning the loss of their marriage in different ways and different levels.
Scott and I were walking to the car and I stopped him and told him I didn't want a divorce. He smiled and said something smart like he didn't know I was thinking of getting a divorce. I just stood there in the cold and looked at him. He then realized I was serious and said we could talk about it but it had to be in a warmer place, not the middle of a shopping center parking lot.
We got in the car and I told him that I want to stay married forever, but that I want us to be in love forever too. And that I didn't want Courtney to leave home one day and for us to have nothing in common and to not like being around each other. And that I wanted him to promise that none of that would happen.
He took my hand and told me he promised to always try to make sure that none of that happened.
I sat there and thought of all of the tough times we have gone through. Of the times that one of us was ready to just walk away because we couldn't handle the stress of autism or finances or life in general. And then I thought about how glad I am that we stuck it out, because I can't imagine my life without him.
I am sad for my friends.
But I am also excited for them. It is a new start to their life. A new chapter waiting to be written.
For them, I hope this chapter ends happily ever after.
For me and Scott - I promise to always try and when I think I can't try anymore, I promise to try again!
And he smiled like the first time he told me his name
And we cried with each other
We split the blame for the parts that we couldn't change
Pictures, dishes and socks
It's our whole life down to one box
There he was waving goodbye on the front porch alone
But I was already gone
So we were out shopping this past weekend, spending the gift cards we received for Christmas, when we ran into a friend and her kids. We have known them for a while. We did Girl Scouts together. Not the best of friends, but friends nonetheless. I think it was Scott who asked, where her husband was hiding. That is when the uncomfortable look on her face came and she had to tell us that they were getting a divorce.
If one more of my friends announces this again I might just flip out. This is number three since summer.
For each of these friends, there are different reasons. Valid reasons. Sad reasons. And each of these friends are mourning the loss of their marriage in different ways and different levels.
Scott and I were walking to the car and I stopped him and told him I didn't want a divorce. He smiled and said something smart like he didn't know I was thinking of getting a divorce. I just stood there in the cold and looked at him. He then realized I was serious and said we could talk about it but it had to be in a warmer place, not the middle of a shopping center parking lot.
We got in the car and I told him that I want to stay married forever, but that I want us to be in love forever too. And that I didn't want Courtney to leave home one day and for us to have nothing in common and to not like being around each other. And that I wanted him to promise that none of that would happen.
He took my hand and told me he promised to always try to make sure that none of that happened.
I sat there and thought of all of the tough times we have gone through. Of the times that one of us was ready to just walk away because we couldn't handle the stress of autism or finances or life in general. And then I thought about how glad I am that we stuck it out, because I can't imagine my life without him.
I am sad for my friends.
But I am also excited for them. It is a new start to their life. A new chapter waiting to be written.
For them, I hope this chapter ends happily ever after.
For me and Scott - I promise to always try and when I think I can't try anymore, I promise to try again!
Monday, January 4, 2010
Forgiveness
See the title of this post?
How can one word carry so much... weight?
I used to be this really forgiving person. People could treat me poorly one day and be nice the next day and I would forgive them in a heartbeat.
Today, not so much.
I can hold a grudge like nobodies business. And don't try to tell me, in the middle of my grudge holding, that I am being unreasonable, or I will not forgive you for saying that. It's that bad.
Although, I am not above asking, or expecting, forgiveness. Nope, I have got that down.
Sounds like I am a bit of a one way, huh?
Every year, the day before school starts, we meet with all of Courtney's teachers for the year and tell them what to expect with the child they are getting. We lay it all out there for them to see. Her lack of self confidence. Her internalizing everything. How she is one of the smartest children you will ever meet, but won't apply herself ON PURPOSE so as not to make herself anymore of an outcast. How she will go toe to toe with the toughest child in the school over something SHE feels is important. How she refuses, I mean REFUSES, to use a locker and carries all of her books in her book bag to each class and home, even though she has a complete set of books at home too. We lay it all out there and just when they get a look on their face of a mixture of worry and panic, I ask them:
"Now, do you want to hear some good things about her?"
And they all just kind of nod....except for the first year teachers, I think they are silently praying to God. Then I say:
"She is the most forgiving person you will ever meet. She has compassion that will bring a tear to your eye. IF she thinks you like her, she will walk to the ends of the earth for you. She has got a cute little sense of humor. If you take the time to get to know her, I mean really know her, your life will be better because of it."
And they all just kind of look at me like yeah right, you are her mom. All moms say that about their own kids.
And then, by the end of the year, most of the teachers will take me aside, or send me an e-mail to tell me how much of a pleasure it was to have her in class and then tell me something they have witnessed to back it up.
And most of those stores involve how Courtney can forgive even the most offensive thing done or said about her.
Forgiveness.....I hope she never loses that ability. I hope the world doesn't make her lose this ability she has. I hope she doesn't learn how to hold a grudge.
Maybe I need to mold myself after my daughter instead of trying to mold her.
Maybe forgiveness isn't all that bad....maybe
How can one word carry so much... weight?
I used to be this really forgiving person. People could treat me poorly one day and be nice the next day and I would forgive them in a heartbeat.
Today, not so much.
I can hold a grudge like nobodies business. And don't try to tell me, in the middle of my grudge holding, that I am being unreasonable, or I will not forgive you for saying that. It's that bad.
Although, I am not above asking, or expecting, forgiveness. Nope, I have got that down.
Sounds like I am a bit of a one way, huh?
Every year, the day before school starts, we meet with all of Courtney's teachers for the year and tell them what to expect with the child they are getting. We lay it all out there for them to see. Her lack of self confidence. Her internalizing everything. How she is one of the smartest children you will ever meet, but won't apply herself ON PURPOSE so as not to make herself anymore of an outcast. How she will go toe to toe with the toughest child in the school over something SHE feels is important. How she refuses, I mean REFUSES, to use a locker and carries all of her books in her book bag to each class and home, even though she has a complete set of books at home too. We lay it all out there and just when they get a look on their face of a mixture of worry and panic, I ask them:
"Now, do you want to hear some good things about her?"
And they all just kind of nod....except for the first year teachers, I think they are silently praying to God. Then I say:
"She is the most forgiving person you will ever meet. She has compassion that will bring a tear to your eye. IF she thinks you like her, she will walk to the ends of the earth for you. She has got a cute little sense of humor. If you take the time to get to know her, I mean really know her, your life will be better because of it."
And they all just kind of look at me like yeah right, you are her mom. All moms say that about their own kids.
And then, by the end of the year, most of the teachers will take me aside, or send me an e-mail to tell me how much of a pleasure it was to have her in class and then tell me something they have witnessed to back it up.
And most of those stores involve how Courtney can forgive even the most offensive thing done or said about her.
Forgiveness.....I hope she never loses that ability. I hope the world doesn't make her lose this ability she has. I hope she doesn't learn how to hold a grudge.
Maybe I need to mold myself after my daughter instead of trying to mold her.
Maybe forgiveness isn't all that bad....maybe
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