Family Vacation

I think I was in 6th grade, but I could have been younger. My parents decided that for a family vacation, we would go to The Painted Desert, Carlsbad Caverns, The Grand Canyon and The Petrified Wood Forest. And we were going to do all of this by car.

By Car.

If you really know me, you know that I do not like to travel by car anywhere. Not even to the grocery store, much less different states.

The car we had then was a dark green Volare Station Wagon. It had green vinyl seats that your legs would stick to so bad that you would leave a layer of skin on them when you got out of the car. Jeff and I had rules about how far you could go before you were encroaching on the other ones space. God forbid we touch each other, because that would just be gross. My dad put all of the suitcases on top of the car this year, so I could sit in the very back should Jeff decide I was just too much.

So, off we go.

We were still in California, heck we could have still been in Yorba Linda, when I was getting yelled at for kicking the back of my dad’s seat. I remember my mom making a rule right then and there that she would be the one to discipline me on this trip, as there was a good chance I wouldn’t have made it home with the rest of the family if dad was the one in charge. I was the type of kid that, once I was told to sit still, I would inevitably have an itch or a leg cramp or something to make me have to move. So my dad left the disciplining to my mom, but did a lot of throat clearing and looking at me in the review mirror.

I remember when we arrived at The Painted Desert. I didn’t get out of the car. I was so mad that my parents made us travel all this way to get out of the car and look at sand. I know that my dad wanted to kill me, but remember that mom was in charge and she was picking her battles very carefully.

When we arrived at Carlsbad Caverns, there was no waiting in the car. This was an all day thing. There was this awful smell. I kept asking what it was, but no one would tell me. Jeff just smiled at me, which should have been a sign that I needed to be concerned. There was a sign posted at that we would be going 15 miles into the cavern. I am sure it was probably like 3 miles, but I remember 15 miles, so that is what we are going with. I was PISSED that I would be walking that far and seriously, WHAT WAS THAT SMELL? During the trek I found out that the smell was guano. Bat poop. Really. I was smelling bat poop for the entire day! When asked later what I thought of our day, my recap was we walked forever and inhaled poop the entire day. My mom just looked at me and then asked Jeff the same question and I am sure she got a better response from him.

Now one thing my parents did do, was pick a hotel that had a pool so we could swim every night. And it wasn’t beyond me to ask how much longer we had to smell bat poop before we could go swim, and I am pretty sure I was told that if I wanted to swim that night that I should shut up and smell whatever they wanted me to smell. Clearly, they had the leverage.

When we got to The Grand Canyon, I thought it was great and everything, but didn’t understand why we had to go to different “look out spots” and look down into the hole yet another time. I could have done that day in 20 minutes tops and they just kept making me look at it over and over. I think that was the day that my mom told me that I needed to get my attitude in check pretty quickly.

Now this is the vacation that Jeff wanted to stop and eat at every restaurant that had a plastic cow on the roof.

This is also the vacation that the air conditioning went out in the car and when my mom pulled down the visor to block the sun, it was so hot in the car that the glue that holds the mirror on the visor had melted and the mirror fell right into my mom’s lap.

This is also the vacation that we were driving down a two lane highway and the case that held all of our toiletries had fallen off of the top of the car. It stayed in tact and no one else was on the road, so dad just pulled over and was going to run out into the road and get it lickity split. Dad pulls over and Jeff and I flip around in our seats and are watching him out the back window. Here comes a car. He could have just changed lanes, but no. He stayed right where he was and hit our case. He blew it to smithereens. All of our stuff went everywhere. Toothbrushes, hair brushes, razors, shampoo…everything. Man was my brother mad. He wanted my dad to go after the guy. To do what? We don’t know. But that night we had to go to the local grocery store and buy all new stuff.

But we made it home safe and sound. No one was killed and memories were made.

It just depends who you ask as to what kind of recap you are going to get. You might want to just skip me and go straight to Jeff.