The Mom's Book

Last Christmas Courtney purchased, with her own money, a book for me. This is actually a great gift for me as I love to read. The book is entitled The Moms' Book for The Mom Who's Best at Everything.

When I opened the present, I thought she got me this book because she thought I was, clearly, the best at everything.

However, that was not the case.

The book is a handbook on HOW to be the best at everything.

Apparently, she thinks, I need some help in that department.

That could be because of the time I dropped her off at school when it was closed. Or the time she ate dinner at a friends house and I forgot and made her eat dinner again at home and she got sick.

Anyhow...let's go over this book shall we?

The first part of the book talks about how to get your kids out of bed in the morning and how to get them to stay there at night. It gives great tips like tickling their feet to wake them up or telling them a bedtime story that is not TOO exciting to get them to sleep. I guess this is better than set your alarm to get up and telling her that if she gets up again she is getting spanked I don't care if the house is on fire.

The second part of the book talks about how to have the BEST birthday parties. It has everything from different themes to recipes. REALLY? All of these parties are to be held at your house. Now tell me, who wants a bunch of kids at your house messing it all up? Birthday parties are to be held somewhere else and quite frankly, Publix makes a birthday cake better than anything I could make for a great price.

The next chapter talks about heroic moms. One in particular, Josephine Baker, adopted 12 kids and still managed to be a star of stage and screen along with undercover work in the 2nd World War. Bitch please. I am a mom to an autistic kid. She's got nothing on me. My one is like having 12, only I don't get a tax credit at the end of the year.

The next chapter talks about how to throw an instant dinner party when you child decides to invite 5 friends over without letting you know. Dinner Party? Are you out of your mind? First, my kid better ask first and she knows that and second, order pizza. Good Lord, why make it so hard that you need a book to tell you what to do. Get Papa John's on speed dial for crying out loud!

It goes on to talk about house work shortcuts. Here's a shortcut for ya - marry a military man. No one can clean a house like someone who was in the military.

It goes on to tell the reader how to take time to pamper themselves. I guess this author doesn't have kids because last night while I was trying to "pamper myself" by taking a bath (we really call that just good hygiene), Courtney came in 3 times and Oliver brought his ball in wanting me to throw it for him. So much for pampering.

If you are needing help in the parenting department, then this just might be the book for you.

But let's face it, you and I both could write a book about how to parent. It is just that no one will publish it because it is TRUE LIFE.