Etiquette 101

Dear Man Eating At The Table Next To Us At Cheesecake Factory:

First, I want to start off this letter by telling you that I know the tables are close together. I do know that.

But let’s go over how one might act/not act in a situation like that, shall we?

One might actually hold their fork correctly. The fork is not a shovel. When eating with a fork, one should always bring the fork to ones mouth, not ones mouth to the fork. Hitting the fork on ones teeth is also not acceptable. One should pull their food off of the fork with ones lips NOT ONES TEETH. One should never hold ones fork they way you were with an overhand grab. Come on, this etiquette 101 that you should have learned at home when you were three.

One might want to eat with ones mouth closed. Put the food in the mouth and then close the lips over the teeth. Continue to do this the entire time the food is being chewed AND swallowed. Chewing with your mouth wide ass open and having food fall onto the table and your shirt is NEVER acceptable. Not even at a bar. Seriously, what were your parents doing dinner time? Certainly, they were not teaching you how to eat.

Ignoring ones family to listen to the conversation at the table next to them might be acceptable if one could manage acting like he wasn’t listening. However, turning your back to your wife while you shovel food into your pie hole and chew it like a crack whore who hasn’t had anything to eat in a week is not acceptable. Ever. Not ever.

Do you understand what I am trying to teach you here? It is never acceptable to act the way you acted in public. Clearly you are not ready to eat in a grown up restaurant. You are, however, qualified to order McDonalds and eat in your car.

Seriously I am amazed that you could even get laid much less land a wife. She must be deaf and blind to put up with you and your lack of etiquette.

Love,

Melissa