Forgiveness

See the title of this post?

How can one word carry so much... weight?

I used to be this really forgiving person. People could treat me poorly one day and be nice the next day and I would forgive them in a heartbeat.

Today, not so much.

I can hold a grudge like nobodies business. And don't try to tell me, in the middle of my grudge holding, that I am being unreasonable, or I will not forgive you for saying that. It's that bad.

Although, I am not above asking, or expecting, forgiveness. Nope, I have got that down.

Sounds like I am a bit of a one way, huh?

Every year, the day before school starts, we meet with all of Courtney's teachers for the year and tell them what to expect with the child they are getting. We lay it all out there for them to see. Her lack of self confidence. Her internalizing everything. How she is one of the smartest children you will ever meet, but won't apply herself ON PURPOSE so as not to make herself anymore of an outcast. How she will go toe to toe with the toughest child in the school over something SHE feels is important. How she refuses, I mean REFUSES, to use a locker and carries all of her books in her book bag to each class and home, even though she has a complete set of books at home too. We lay it all out there and just when they get a look on their face of a mixture of worry and panic, I ask them:

"Now, do you want to hear some good things about her?"

And they all just kind of nod....except for the first year teachers, I think they are silently praying to God. Then I say:

"She is the most forgiving person you will ever meet. She has compassion that will bring a tear to your eye. IF she thinks you like her, she will walk to the ends of the earth for you. She has got a cute little sense of humor. If you take the time to get to know her, I mean really know her, your life will be better because of it."

And they all just kind of look at me like yeah right, you are her mom. All moms say that about their own kids.

And then, by the end of the year, most of the teachers will take me aside, or send me an e-mail to tell me how much of a pleasure it was to have her in class and then tell me something they have witnessed to back it up.

And most of those stores involve how Courtney can forgive even the most offensive thing done or said about her.

Forgiveness.....I hope she never loses that ability. I hope the world doesn't make her lose this ability she has. I hope she doesn't learn how to hold a grudge.

Maybe I need to mold myself after my daughter instead of trying to mold her.

Maybe forgiveness isn't all that bad....maybe