Sorry About Your Penis!

Dear Man In The Red Convertible:

First of all I want to say that I am sorry about your penis. Any man your age who has a car like this clearly is having issues. But there is more than just your penis. Let’s go over a few shall we?

Let’s start with your hair. Why don’t you embrace going bald? That comb over thing you are doing doesn’t work and makes you look even more stupid than you already do. Besides, that one piece flying around while you insist on driving with your top down in 30 degree weather is gross.

Now let’s talk about your car. Does it really make you feel that much better? I am sorry that you left your wife, a good woman who loved you, for your 21 year old secretary. I am even sorrier that you are shocked that the 21 year old bimbo left you because you were, wait for it, too old. But this car can’t make you younger or manlier. It is making you pathetic.

Keeping with the car, IF you are going to insist on driving this thing around, which clearly you are, get the dents taken out of it. Obviously you are refusing to wear your glasses, that you desperately need, and you have “bumped” into a few things. WHOOPSIE! That car would look much better if you took it to your local crash and dent place and get it fixed.

Let’s talk about your driving now, shall we? If you are going to get a 5 speed, KNOW HOW TO DRIVE A 5 SPEED. You wanting women to check you out while you are stopped at a light and then speed away loses its effect when you stall out at the light because you can’t get it in gear. We are looking at you alright, but we are laughing at you.

I am sorry you are old, but it is a fact of life. Happens to the best of them. A car isn’t going to make you younger.

Just get a Rascal and paint flames on the side.

Love,
Melissa

Things I Learned About Myself and My Family Being Snowed In

Here are some things I learned about myself and my family being snowed in (in no particular order):

1. Snow is pretty to look at and not that fun to be in

2. Courtney has no balance on a sledding device and even though you can tell her what to do, she will end up just a few feet away in the neighbors yard every. single. time.

3. Scott talks really loud when he is on the phone with his customers.

4. Watching the neighbor try to get his Corvette out of the driveway at 6:00 in the morning is quite entertaining.

5. Oliver likes the snow, Lucy does not.

6. You do more dishes when you are snowed in for two days then you do in an entire week of sunny weather.

7. Do not plan on going to the store for not only milk, bread and eggs, but apparently beer is in high demand when it snows. I can only assume that is because people need to be drunk to go outside in that temperature.

8. Dogs really do make yellow snow, and apparently some of our neighbors too!

9. There is nothing, I mean NOTHING good on TV from 9:00 am to 8:00pm during the week. I swear, how many shows can Maury have on Whose My Baby Daddy?

10. There is a definite difference between a snow shovel and a regular shovel. *Note to self* buy a snow shovel.

11. Snow can make the ugliest house look pretty. I bet the beer can make ugly things look pretty too!

12. Snowballs hurt and are not all fun like on TV.

13. Fake Ugh Boots do not stand up in the snow. Courtney proved that.

14. Having your husband take you to and from work because you are afraid to drive is not fun because he listens to a stupid ass morning show and you feel like you can't ask him not to listen to it since he is taking you to work and everything but the show is not funny and just makes the ride to work even more unenjoyable.

15. Snow sucks!

A Birthday Post

As most of you who know me, know that I shared my birthday with my Uncle Wayne. He was exactly 30 years older than me, and he would have been 72 today.

He was a big man with a booming voice that scared me when I was a little girl.

He was a lawyer and, while I never saw him in court, I bet he scared the crap out of
people on the stand.

He bought Del Taco when I was in, like, 3rd grade. I thought that made him famous!!!
As I got older, he got less intimidating, and I found myself really liking him.

When I got married, Scott immediately took to him. They had the same kind of sense of humor.

He called me after I got married and told me how pretty I looked in my mom’s wedding
dress. That is my favorite memory of him.

Birthdays are, to me, important days. These are the days that God picked especially for you to be born.

God picked for me to share my birthday with my Uncle Wayne.

I think that is pretty cool.

I know there are some people who are scared to die, but not me! I know that when I die, he will be there waiting for me. He will greet me with a smile and simply say “Hello, Melissa.” I will say something stupid and he will loudly laugh, put his arm around me and usher me in.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Wayne! I hope in Heaven you are celebrating being pain free.

And I hope you know you are missed!

My Weight Watcher's Story

I have been asked to speak at a Weight Watcher's meeting tomorrow. Here is what I plan on saying. I hope it is interesting:

Hi! My name is Melissa Coleman and I have been a Weight Watcher’s member since July 1st 2010.

I became a Life Time member this past Wednesday.

Growing up I was the type of person who could eat anything I wanted. If I needed to lose any weight, I would just skip lunch and I would be fine.

Then I got married to a man who liked to have a little snack each night before bed. Who was I to tell him no, and I liked to snack, so I joined him and put on enough weight to go up a size in clothing the first year we were married.

Then I got pregnant and while I didn’t put on a ton of weight, my metabolism just stopped and I had trouble KEEPING the weight off when she was born.

A couple of years later I lost a bunch of weight and a bunch of money doing Herbalife. 2 Shakes a day and one meal. As soon as I started eating again, the weight came right back on.

Finally, 11 years later my husband told me something I already knew – he said no one can make you lose the weight but you. If you are unhappy, do something about it.

So I joined Weight Watchers. But I was determined that if I was going to do this, I was going to have fun doing it. Luckily for me, I have a leader who has a sense of humor and fellow members who like to laugh. I like my meeting for that reason. I have made friends that have helped me and I have helped be successful.

I believe in this program. If you follow it, it will work. If you put a little into it, you will lose a little weight. If you put a lot into it, you will lose a lot of weight.

If I can do this, anyone can do it.

I stand up here in front of you today, wearing a size 8 jean. 6 months ago I was a size 16. I am off of my high blood pressure medicine. I have walked in 4 5K’s and am currently training to walk a half marathon in March.

I think the thing to do is believe in yourself and surround yourself with others who believe in you and respect what you are doing.

I believe in this program and I believe in you!