Sorry About Your Penis!

Dear Man In The Red Convertible:

First of all I want to say that I am sorry about your penis. Any man your age who has a car like this clearly is having issues. But there is more than just your penis. Let’s go over a few shall we?

Let’s start with your hair. Why don’t you embrace going bald? That comb over thing you are doing doesn’t work and makes you look even more stupid than you already do. Besides, that one piece flying around while you insist on driving with your top down in 30 degree weather is gross.

Now let’s talk about your car. Does it really make you feel that much better? I am sorry that you left your wife, a good woman who loved you, for your 21 year old secretary. I am even sorrier that you are shocked that the 21 year old bimbo left you because you were, wait for it, too old. But this car can’t make you younger or manlier. It is making you pathetic.

Keeping with the car, IF you are going to insist on driving this thing around, which clearly you are, get the dents taken out of it. Obviously you are refusing to wear your glasses, that you desperately need, and you have “bumped” into a few things. WHOOPSIE! That car would look much better if you took it to your local crash and dent place and get it fixed.

Let’s talk about your driving now, shall we? If you are going to get a 5 speed, KNOW HOW TO DRIVE A 5 SPEED. You wanting women to check you out while you are stopped at a light and then speed away loses its effect when you stall out at the light because you can’t get it in gear. We are looking at you alright, but we are laughing at you.

I am sorry you are old, but it is a fact of life. Happens to the best of them. A car isn’t going to make you younger.

Just get a Rascal and paint flames on the side.

Love,
Melissa