Nobody Hangs Hard Times On The Wall

 

I was introduced to a song recently by someone whom I respect immensely.  Love Is War by American Young is a good song.  There was one line that stood out to me.  It is only mentioned once in the whole song.

Nobody hangs hard times on the wall.

Think about it.

When you walk into someone’s home, look around.  You are surrounded by smiling faces.  Wedding pictures.  New born babies.  Family reunions.  Artwork telling us to live, laugh and love.  Those moments caught on film that capture the perfectness of the day.  They are meant to stir feelings.  To show the world we are happy.

Nobody hangs hard times on the wall.

How would you feel or what would you think if you walked into someone’s house and there were just empty picture frames hanging there?  Or what if there were frames and the pictures were of people crying or sad?

I think sometimes we, or at least I, forget that hard times, make the good times that much better.  I think we, as a society, are too quick to walk away from those who we feel have wronged us.  Instead of sticking it out and working through it.  I think, personally, that we are moving toward a disposable world, and that we are applying that to human beings as well.

Sometimes love is a white flag
Sometimes love is standing tall
Sometimes love is a feather
Sometimes a cannon ball
But it's worth fighting for
Baby, sometimes love is war

My mom and I were having a conversation on a recent visit and I was talking about how there are so many things that I love about my husband and there are a handful that drive me crazy.  And she pointed out, as only a mother can do, that it is that way in EVERY relationship.  Marriage, friendship, co-workers. 

We have to make a choice.

If I only reach out to you when times are good, then, by my actions, I tell you that I only love you when things are good.  But If I reach out to you in the middle of your war, I hope the message I am sending is that you are THAT important to me.

So from this point forward – I choose war.

Because you are worth fighting for.

Today I Am Mad

Being a parent means dong what you think is best for the child during all phases of their journey into adulthood.

Being a parent of a special needs person means hoping that you are doing what’s best for your child even when they are an adult.

When Scott and I began our journey into Asperger’s Syndrome we were told by countless doctors and therapists and friends that we should try to make her act and be as much as society’s definition of normal is.  So we started working with her and drilling it into her head to be normal:

Don’t flap your hands Courtney – normal people don’t do that.

She now cracks her knuckles so bad that I am positive she is going to have arthritis by the time she is 30.

Don’t dress in jeans and t-shirts Courtney – normal girls wear dresses, boots, sweaters – girlie things.

She now will not wear a dress if you paid her cold hard cash.

Learn to drive Courtney – all the people your age have their licenses.

She has tried.  She is scared.  She cannot do it.

And so it has been for all of her life.  Do this.  Don’t do that.

And we wonder why the child is so frustrated, has low self-esteem and can’t move forward in life.

We were just trying to follow doctor’s orders.

Today, I read a blog from a mom of a boy with Asperger’s Syndrome, who is an adult now.  She wrote that while he was growing up they let him be different.  If for his birthday, he wanted to tour the Microsoft office, they found a way to make it happen – even if all the other kids his age were having birthday parties at skateboard parks.

That blog made me mad.

Not at the mom who wrote it. 

At myself.

Why didn’t I do that?  Why didn’t I just let her be who she is?  Would she be more confident today?  Would her self-esteem be so high that nothing could hold her back?

I was really good at fighting for her.  At making sure she was treated fairly.  At telling her that just because you have Asperger’s Syndrome doesn’t mean you can’t do anything you want to do. 

I guess I just wasn’t good at letting her be her.

And I know that she is going to accomplish great things, just at a slower pace.  And I know that I did the best I could with the resources we had.  And I know that hind sight is 20/20.

But today…

Today I Am Mad

And I Can't Change. Even If I Tried. Even If I Wanted To!

I grew up in a family that taught me that everything was okay!  It was okay that you were a different color than me.  It was okay that a woman was doing a job that was considered a man's job, or even vice versa.  It was okay to be a different religion than me.  It was even okay for a man to love a man and for a woman to love a woman.

When I was in third grade I thought that I was gay cause I could draw, my uncle was and I kept my room straight.  I told my mom, tears rushing down my face.  She's like "Ben, you've loved girls since before Pre-K!  A pre-conceived idea of what it all meant for those that like the same sex had the characteristics.
I grew up in a church that taught me that everything was okay!  It was okay that you were a different color than me.  It was okay that a woman was doing a job that was considered a man's job, or even vice versa.  It was okay to be a different religion than me.  It was even okay for a man to love a man and for a woman to love a woman.

And I can't change.  Even if I tried.  Even if I wanted to.

I realize, now, that I grew up in a different kind of family.  That not all families are accepting of each other.

We've become so numb to what we are saying.  Our culture, founded from oppression, yet we don't have acceptance for them.  Call each other faggots (or other names) behind the keys of a message board.

And that makes me sad.

It's sad that a person has to move to another state so she is free to love whom she chooses without the disappointing glare of her family.

It's sad that someone would rather kill themselves than live another day being tormented at school.

It's sad, that in this day and age, we are arguing over equal rights for all people.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

New International Version (NIV)

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

Love never fails.

Maybe, just maybe, if we all took the time to show a little love to each other, no mater what our beliefs are, we just might be better people.

I don't care if you are a purple gay man who wants to be a woman, if you treat me nice, that's all that matters to me!

A Graduation Letter to My Daughter

Dear Courtney:

I wanted to take a moment to tell you some things that you need to hear, that I don’t always say out loud. 

I wasn’t supposed to be able to have kids, so when we found out I was pregnant with you, needless to say, it was a surprise!

When I found out I was having a girl, I was worried that your dad and you wouldn’t bond.  I prayed every night that when you were born that Dad would fall in love with you as much as I already did.  I don’t know what I was worried about…the minute you were born, you had him wrapped around your little finger.  And truth be told, you still do!

You were a pretty baby and toddler and everywhere we went, people would talk to you and comment to me how pretty you were.  People always felt compelled to touch you, which wigged me out, but you obviously didn’t die because they did!

I learned early on that you loved music as much as me, so we spent time listening to music a lot.  It calmed you down, it made you smile and you were just so stinkin cute when music was playing!  I love that you would rather listen to music today than watch TV.  However, when you listen to it so loud you can hear it while showering or blow drying your hair that tends to make me a little cranky.  But I bet if you asked Granny and Granddad if I did the same thing, I am sure they would tell you I did!

School proved to be a rough go for you from the very beginning, although most of your teachers fell in love with you.  It must have been hard to think in a different way than your classmates.  It must have been hard to try to fit into a world that moves to a tune so different than the one that plays for you.  But I want you to know that I know it was so very hard for you.  And I know that on some days the very best you could do was to just get out of bed.  I also know that you hated me the days I made you go to school when you were begging me to stay home.  I have been there and seen first-hand people roll their eyes or start to whisper when you walked into the room.  I also know that even though you didn’t act like you were aware of it, you were.  I want you to understand that if I didn’t make you go, then all those people who were mean to you would win and I wanted you to win.  It was SO HARD for me to force the issue.  What I really wanted to do was just let you stay home where it was safe.  If I had my way, I would have kept you home where no one could hurt you anymore.  But what would that have taught you?  You needed to learn that there are mean people in this world and how to deal with them.  You needed to learn that there are kind people in the world too, and how to be like them.  You needed to learn that no matter how people treat you, you are still responsible for carrying on with your day.  You needed to learn that people come in all different colors and shapes, but what really matters is how they treat you and other people, not the way that they look.  You needed to learn that no matter what happens today, the sun is still going to come up tomorrow and you are expected to be an active participant.

And do you know what you accomplished?

You proved to everyone that no one could keep you down.  Not the meanest of kids.  Not the teachers who didn’t think you would amount to anything.  Not anyone.  You are graduating an entire year early.  You buckled down and got through a situation (a 12 year situation) that made you less than comfortable and finished early.  Your Dad and I are so proud of you.

But the main thing you need to know is that life isn’t always this hard.  It will still be hard, but not every day and not so ruthless.  And you learned that you can rise above and come out better on the other side.

I love you so much!  And I would do it all again.  I would seek out the best doctors.  I would seek out the best schools for your style.  I would storm the gates of the schools to make sure that you were treated fairly and kindly.  To see the person you have become warms my heart.  And I know, as only a mother can know, that you are gonna do great in whatever you decide to “do” with your life.  I think it is a great choice to want to be a teacher.  Just think what you can teach those kid…how to be kind, how to appreciate a good book, how science is interesting and how you have to pass your math class even though chances are you are not going to use it in your everyday life!

I could not be any more proud of you!

Love,

Mom

 

 

Hello, Friend, It's Been A While

It has been over a year since I have posted here. A lot has happened in a year, and I will catch you up at another time. But today I am compelled to write.

Write about a subject that might not interest a lot of you, but about a subject that is important. 

Important to me. Important to my family. Important to others that I have never met.

What happened this past Friday, the shooting in Newtown, CT, is tragic. My heart just breaks for the families. I cannot watch the footage without crying. I cried all through the President's speech last night.

But the media just pisses me off.

I am sorry, but they do.

Obviously, the man who committed this crime had issues. One of those issues, according to people who were interviewed by the press, was Asperger's Syndrome. Asperger's Syndrome is Neuro-biological Disorder that affects (the stats constantly changing) 1 in 50 people. The majority of those people are boys, but there are girls. This disorder (mostly) affects the way that people interact socially with others. Most people with the disorder are super smart, but have issues knowing how to have a conversation with someone in their peer group. It also affects each person differently. The most famous quote regarding this syndrome, is "show me a room with 50 people with Asperger's Syndrome, and I will show you a room with 50 of the most different people that you will meet." A lot of times, Asperger's Syndrome "comes" with something else. ADD/ADHD is common. Depression is common. Also are other genetic disorders.

How do I know all of this? My daughter has Asperger's Syndrome. She also has had a complete genetic screening and has something called Rubinstein's Taby Syndrome, which is a chromosome disorder.

Last night, watching 60 Minutes, and they interviewed a family friend of the killer's mother that said the man had Asperger's Syndrome and was such a problem to his mother, having to be home schooled. They interviewed a a former school mate of the man who said he was just different, explaining that he carried a brief case to school and was embarrassed to talk in front of the class, so people just left him alone. 60 Minutes did not offer one "expert" on Aspererger's to come on the show. They did show (briefly) a letter that stated most people with Asperger's are bullied not aggressive. I could not see where the letter was from, but I really think that a doctor should have been interviewed as well.

The media is reporting that this man committed this awful event because he had Asperger's Syndrome - and it just isn't true. This man committed this awful event because he has some sort of mental illness ALONG with his Asperger's Syndrome. Shame on the media for reporting things that are untrue and not researched.

My daughter just did a presentation at school about having Asperger's Syndrome and how she is still just like everyone else, with the same wants and desires. When she goes back to school after break, is she going to be lumped into the preconceived notion that she is going to be the next mass murderer? Are parents going to make their children stay away from her? Are teachers going to be looking for "signs" that she is going to snap?

The damage that I have to undo due to the media and their false reporting is ridiculous. Just ridiculous.

  If they would just take the time to do some research and get the story right the first time.

Christmas Present

This year we celebrated Christmas with our best friends, The Tyldesleys. They have three kids under the age of 7 and when we walked through the door, it was ON!

We played football video games, we shot Nerf guns over the catwalk and we played with princess dress up clothes.

We ate homemade sugar cookies with frosting and sprinkles BEFORE dinner!

The house was loud and messy and, in all ways, it was perfect!

Our Christmas at home was low key and sweet.

Our Christmas with our friends was loud, messy and fun.

And when we got home, Scott and I enjoyed the silence of our home, with our kid nose deep in her new Kindle reading.

It is funny, to me, how two families, who really have a differnet kind of life than the other, can come together and appreciate what each other has and enjoy each other so much!

This year's Christmas was perfect!

In every way!

Christmas Future

When I was pregnant with Courtney I made the rule that my family would not travel at Christmas. I did not want her worrying that Santa would not be able to find her. I also did not want to pack everything in a car or on a plane and travel with a small child. So, I told family and friends that while we would not travel, our home is open to any and everyone who wants to come to us. Scott and I will do the cooking and the cleaning; all they have to do is come.

After her very first Christmas, where she received WAY too many gifts, Scott and I decided that we would only get her three things. After all, Jesus only received 3 gifts, and she certainly isn’t any better than Jesus.

And we have stuck to that rule every year since.

She is 15 now, and Christmas lasts about 15 minutes in our house. Maybe 20. When you only get a limited amount of gifts, it is hard to stretch the morning out and make Christmas last.

This now has me thinking about traveling at Christmas.

I think, maybe, that next year we will rent a cabin in the mountains and do our Christmas there. Or maybe rent a condo in Florida and have Christmas on the beach. Maybe it is time for this family to experience Christmas outside of this house. Of course, this is in my head and I have not run this by Scott, so who knows…

Christmas Future….

I wonder what it will hold for us